I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
