My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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