You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
