Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
