While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
