We need to start having sex underwater more often.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
