I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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