literally had 100 drinks last night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
