listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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