i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
