Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
