why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
bring money and cleavage
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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