You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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