Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
