I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
