he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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