so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
