We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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