At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
