I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
