So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
