If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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