its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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