I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
ttyl tear gas
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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