I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
