he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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