Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
