Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
