yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
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