I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
