Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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