sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
