That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
