If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
