you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
a search helicopter?!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
