last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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