We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
