If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
