You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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