My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
