I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
