I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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