Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
