she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize