two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
