non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
