Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
