my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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