why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
