The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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