i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
