My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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