Where did you get a picture of my penis
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm sobbing to NWA
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
