he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
