just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
