In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
