I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
